Raising a Special Needs Child: A Guest Blog by “Exhausted Mom”
I am a 38 year-old wife and mother of two.
My seven year-old son was diagnosed with Asperger’s at the age of 4. He exhibits traits of ADHD and possible ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and struggles with negative thinking. He’s an amazing young man with a passion for entertainment.
We also have a sweet daughter, who will be six in January. She loves animals, but more specific cats. She shows some attention difficulties and mimics her big brothers behaviors. Throughout the years we’ve had lots of support, but it just didn’t seem to get to the heart our struggles. These struggles happen daily and affect our whole family, but it impacts our daughter greatly. My daughter sees the way my son behaves and mimics his outbursts. It is difficult for her to cope with all of his outbursts, screams and frustration. There are many laughs in our house, however when there is a blow up, it is extreme.
My story begins when I was sitting in my chair, after the kids were finally asleep. I was reading yet another book on ways to help my son, when it came to me. This was the time of the day for me. I wasn’t really sure of what to do; I was exhausted! I was exhausted trying to hold my family together emotionally and mentally. I was working hard to help my kids, but was not dealing with my own emotions and metal stability. The more I hid my feelings the more I felt alone and eventually my brain shut down and I went into Autopilot.
I stayed in autopilot for years when something changed. I was wanting to give up, go hide in a corner and hope that for just 15 min I could find a piece of myself that was not broken. To muster up enough energy to get through another day and find the answers I desperately needed to help my family, to get through the daily outbursts, crying, fighting, and opposition; try to cope with being overwhelmed from the criticism of others, the homeschooling, the stares, extreme separation anxiety, going to countless appointments, implementing yet another strategy, fears that I was doing everything wrong.
I needed help and I was terrified to ask for it, but I had no other choice. If I truly wanted to help my family, I needed to heal.
I had to dig back into my past and be honest about my mental health. I started going to therapy and with the help of my therapist I started to realize that I was allowed to make mistakes and parents are not perfect.
I started dealing with my feelings and self-worth. I looked at my insecurities as a parent and that I can show my vulnerabilities without feeling like a failure. By taking that step towards healing I began painting again and the feelings and thoughts I could not find words for came out in my art.
I still have a long way to go and many days I find myself back in that dark place, but I know I have the strength within me not to stay there; like the Buddha said, “Pain in life is inevitable but suffering is not”.
I once mentioned to my son, after working on one strategy after another, “honey, I have been giving you a lot to work on and I know there are many things that mommy needs to work on too. What do you think mommy needs to do?” I think at that moment I realized my son needed to know I was not perfect and that he could talk to me about my behaviors too.
I also realized this was a journey for our whole family. By helping each other get past our struggles, we could grow as a family. That we all have things to work on and if we look past the imperfections in each other we could find mental healing.
We still have our ups and downs and many days I want to scream, “What about me, don’t I matter?” but I remind myself how important these two little people are in my life and I need to take a step back and ask for help; take time to focus on my own healing again.
My day to day has changed so much from that night sitting in my chair. I have learned so much and now, every day I make sure my kids and I have quality time together and laugh at least once a day. I spend time with my husband when the kids are asleep, but most of all I make time for myself whether it’s time for healing, time to paint, or just time to breathe.
As I look at how I am raising my children I hope they will look back one day and say, “my parents made mistakes and they are not perfect, but I love them anyways. They taught me that it is ok to seek help when I need it and to make sure I have someone in my life I can talk to about anything, but most of all they taught me to feel everything! Feel angry if I have to, feel joy with all my heart and find greatness in myself!”
I hope that other parents whether they have children of special needs or not, can stop long enough to realize our mental health is vital to our children’s mental health and if we don’t seek help when we need it or talk about our fears or feel every emotion fully, how will they know it is O.K.!
Hugs to all the parents out there!
Exhausted Mom
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