Email of the Day: Cutting Ties with her Mom by “Ren”

Email of the Day: Cutting Ties with her Mom by “Ren”

Hey, Paul. I’m catching up on some old podcasts and am listening to the one with Lynn Chen and wanted to make a comment regarding being afraid to confront your mom because she’s a narcissist who invalidates what you say. FWIW, here’s my experience with doing just that, although that was not my intention at first. If you want to use this on your podcast under listener email or what have you, please feel free. I just ask you call me “Ren” if you do

For years I had always hoped my mom would apologize or at the very least acknowledge the way she treated both me and my dad, but it never happened. The closest she got was admitting she had been jealous of me (she would get the same hair cut I had, buy similar outfits to mine, get piercings to mimic mine, copy my hair color, etc). The final straw was when we were visiting her for Thanksgiving 4 years ago and she made fun of my daughter for using the word “sibling” and said “People don’t talk like that. No wonder you don’t have any friends.” She also gave her a hard time for asking before taking something, and saying “please” and “thank you.” Well, it hurt my daughter’s feelings and made her cry, and I went off on mom and told her that she made fun of me and browbeat me when I was a kid, and by god, she was not about to do that to my kid. It went downhill from there, and I laid everything out that I had been carrying around for 40 years – all the shame, embarrassment, self-esteem issues, her false accusations, the beatings, everything. I was so angry I was shaking and crying, and she went to the other end of the house because the things she was saying back made me so angry I would have hit her had she not gone away, and she picked up on that and made herself scarce. I have never, ever hit my mother, but at that moment if she had not shut up, I am so scared I would have.

My mom was the queen of creating drama where none existed. If nothing drama-worthy was going on, she would make shit up or embellish something to make it sound much worse than it really was. It went way beyond simple exaggeration and was meant to shock and hurt. Finding Chickweed tracked in the house turned into “she found pot” on me. If a male cousin was found to have porn in his house, that made him a child molester. Crazy stuff like that.

I had a miscarriage before my daughter was born and she told everyone in the family I had an abortion. Two of my aunts came to me and asked me about it and said mother had told them this, but they didn’t think it sounded like me. I was stunned. A cousin got into a domestic dispute and she told everyone my cousin had a nervous breakdown and had tried to kill her husband and was arrested. It was more like someone filed a complaint for noise and no one went anywhere. She accused my dad of being on drugs because he had the nerve to come home from work and clean house so she could have time to study when she was in nursing school. He moved the seat back in the car to vacuum underneath so she accused him of cheating on her because the seat wasn’t in the right place. She was (and still is) doing the same thing to others now. Dad is dead so he is away from it now. The last I heard from her was 3 years ago on my birthday when she sent a message to me on Face Book basically threatening me if I didn’t keep quiet (she is afraid her coworkers would find out how nasty and racist she is) and telling me I am either evil or mentally warped. I figure if she is saying or doing anything that would embarrass her, then she is the one who needs to think about her behavior and change it.

The point of this story is: She and I have been estranged for 4 years because of that Thanksgiving blow-up, but I was finally able to say what I needed to say, there were other relatives present who knew what I was saying was true because some of the things that happened were in front of them so many years ago, and they acknowledged my recollections. My mom always had a way of saying “You’re dreaming” or “That never happened and you know it.” I was finally able to acknowledge she would never apologize and was finally able to let go of that hope and move on. My self esteem issues are finally resolved, I feel more competent as an adult, I no longer give a rat’s ass what she thinks about me, and I don’t have the stress or drama that she loves to create among those around her. Two of her sisters who were there and took my side have also walked away from her, because they are not in good health and decided the stress and drama just weren’t worth it anymore. One who is in hospice has told her nurses that mother isn’t allowed anywhere near her. My mother is PISSED about it, too.

Sorry this is so long! Do what you need to do to get healthy and move on. There are worse things that can happen that having your mom cut ties with you. My daughter and I are much more relaxed nowadays, and I have finally stopped obsessing with the thought of my mom reaching out and saying she’s sorry. It is incredibly freeing, and while scary at the time, it was THE most important thing for me to heal. This would make for an interesting memoir some day.

P.S. I am an only child, my daughter is her only grandchild, and I found out about a year ago that we have been cut out of her will. I guess that isn’t entirely true: She is leaving each of us one dollar. I am trying to decide if I should email her and tell her to keep the dollar, or just let it go and let her think she is getting the last FUCK YOU when she finally dies. I would be very tempted to let her know that I know if she ends up dying slowly just to keep her from having the satisfaction. My therapist thinks that may just pull me back into drama. I don’t know…At least that saves me the trouble of being the executor. That’s a pain in the ass

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