A Humorous Guest Blog from my friend Pete Schwaba

A Humorous Guest Blog from my friend Pete Schwaba

My New Year’s Resolution


Got the holiday blues? Lot’s of people do. There have been times this season where I haven’t been into my favorite holiday – Christmas. I’ve watched all the movies, listened to the songs and drank lots of whiskey. What could possibly be the problem? So, I’ve been thinking how I can go into next year with a more positive attitude and I think I’ve figured it out. When people get depressed, those around them say, “count your blessings.” It’s good advice but blessings in a way are like bandaids. They cover up your depression for awhile but at the end of the day you have to love your life. I’m talking about life itself. Not the IDEA of life. YOUR ACTUAL LIFE and the fact that you are here on Earth.


This coming year when I get depressed and feel like listening to Croce so I can pretend I’m one of his tough luck characters and feel sorry for myself or when I don’t feel like writing or doing anything, I will think back to when I was a sperm. To be honest I have very few memories from that era. I probably tried to block most of them out. Those were tough times. Me and about two hundred and eighty million others fighting for the egg. Fighting for life. The odds were not in my favor. The chances of me getting to that egg were slimmer than winning the lottery. Some of those other sperm were pretty intense. It was like they’d been doing two-a-days in preparation for this race. But I won. Pete Schwaba was the best that day. Out of two hundred and some odd million sperm I was the top dog, the big cheese, the head honcho, a winner dammit! I probably had some of those other little bastards trying to give me the shiv or do the trick where one of them gets my attention so I don’t notice another sperm kneeling behind me so buddy could push me over. A very common trick in the sperm world but I was ready for it. Nice try, assholes. There were probably tons of cute female sperm that gave me the big eye or showed some tail to keep me from my goal. But I didn’t take the bait. I knew what I wanted. I wanted to get to that egg. I wanted life.


I was tired of just being a soul floating in nothingness where I couldn’t see beauty, taste pasta with garlic and oil, couldn’t feel another person’s flesh, couldn’t hear beautiful music or smell freshly cut grass, all the things that make life so damn special and amazing. And these senses are the things we are born with. It’s so simple and we make it so complicated. If you had no senses going to a place with rich thick soil, the warmth of the sun, blue skies and flowing water it would seem like heaven. You would think, “that’s all I need.” And as a young sperm, you’d fight like hell to get it. We all did. We are all here. We did it. No one had a rich friend that helped them, no one called in a favor or really had a headstart. Our parents, aside from consummation – I know, gross – didn’t do squat for any of us. They were partying while we were left to fend for ourselves. But I did it. You did it. And now we’re stuck with each other.


Despite the unspeakable acts we commit against each other on a daily basis, I am going to approach this year like I live in Heaven, because it can be. Earth could be Heaven. While living this way in the coming year I will try not to think of the Belinda Carlisle song “Heaven is a Place on Earth” but if I do I will try to make a connection with Ms. Carlisle or those credited with said song lyrics according to lyricsfreak.com – Shipley, Ellen / Nowels, & Rick. Wow. Four authors. Interesting. I’m sure they had good intentions and that is what’s important. That is how I will try to approach each moment of each day – with great intentions and just happy to be alive. I owe it to all those other sperm who didn’t win the lottery.

Pete is a comedian and writer and he recently launched the website www.shopforyourgirl.com